What Should Have Been
by Petite Samedi
Summary: After the Occurence of Page 806, everyone has plenty of time to think and reassess what happened. Major spoiler for Order of the Phoenix


**Title: **Should Have Been…

**Author: **Sangrita Lenfent

**Rating:** PG

**Summary: **After the Occurrence on Page 806…there's a lot of room for everyone to think.

**Spoilers:** Order of the Phoenix

**Archive:** Send me an owl first, at SangritaLolita@vamplust.zzn.com

Should Have Been 

_It should have been me._

It was bad enough having to return to Hogwarts after the occurrence at the Department of Mysteries: everyone was so cheerful, calling him a hero, saying how lucky they were to be free of exams, school was finally out; life was good! There was gratingly annoying _joie de vivre_ stalking every damned corner. Even if Bellatrix _had_ missed, or things hadn't gone the way they did, it still would have been horrible to come out scathed from battle and find everyone else in high form, eager to pump your hand in awe and gratitude. They had no appreciation of horror or grief.

Much as Harry wished it wasn't true, though, he wasn't spared the agony of losing Sirius, the final grain of rice that really tipped the balances of his already unstable emotional state. It was a wonder that he wasn't given a wide berth by his other students, the way he whirled out of control so often and snapped at people for silly things. Add to all that the crazed refrain running madly through his mind, no, don't think about minds! Don't think about the brain tank…because that led to thinking about later events, and that led to Bellatrix and Sirius's final duel.

_It should have been me._

_It **was** all my fault._

_~ * ~_

"It should have been so damned _easy_ for him!" Severus snarled, throwing an ugly scowl toward his colleague, who sat motionless across from him in the staff room, one hand resting on her knee.

"It should have been so fucking _easy_ for the famous Harry Potter to–" 

"Severus, please! There's no need for that kind of language," she interjected automatically, but with a kind of weary sympathy in the quavering timbre of her voice. "This has been hard on all of us involved."

"But really, Minerva! His problem is the same as his father's: arrogance, plain and simple. Did he _need _ to learn Occlumency? Of course not! He is the famous Harry Potter after all, the son of the _noble_, _ne'er do wrong_, and above all things _kind_ James Potter! Of course he could do without something so potentially helpful, something the Headmaster of Hogwarts School advised! He wanted to keep having those dreams, Minerva. He wanted to have another reason to play the heroic fool!"

With a pained expression, Professor McGonagall raked her hands as far back through her hair as she could, trying in vain to alleviate the tension gathering at her temples.

"Severus, I'm sure he didn't want to have those dreams. He was just worried: about the first time with Arthur Weasley, I mean. What if he hadn't had that premonition and Arthur had died?"

"What gave him the right to flip through my memories as though they were the fantastical articles in _The Quibbler?" _Snape seethed. "Answer me that, Minerva. What gave him the right?"

"No one ever said he had the right to do that, Severus. It was dreadful of him, actually…" here she bit her lip and trailed off a bit before continuing. "But it wasn't as bad as it could have been! Potter didn't say anything. I think…I think he pitied you."

Snape looked murderous. "I don't want his pity! I demand respect from my students and this! This is what he shows me! It's his own fault that he had no more Occlumency lessons after that."

"I think he understood you, Severus. You see, he's treated awfully at home."

"I don't care! It was humiliating. This isn't about my being a kindred spirit to the son of that filth! This is about failure and lack of respect for his elders and betters!"

Severus's face was now twisted with rage, his knuckles white with the force with which he clenched his fists, and Minerva found herself, not for the first time when facing this man, at a loss for words. There was a complexity to him that made any conversation like walking on eggshells…or over a Muggle landmine.

"You're right of course, Severus," she acknowledged quietly. "That did show a tremendous lack of respect for you." To avoid getting into another altercation, she avoided adding "but I'm sure he must feel terrible about it."

"It should have been a full victory," Severus said sullenly. "No one should have fallen. This business with the Pensieve…it almost makes me feel it was my fault Sirius died. I didn't continue to give Potter those lessons. I still can't stand the sight of that boy! But in a way…it feels like my fault. If he had been more accomplished at Occlumency (although he never practiced anyway) he may not have had that dream…and Black might still be here."

Professor McGonagall stared at him in a kind of wide-eyed wonder, unable to recall the last time she had heard words like these pass his lips.

~ * ~

"It should have been forever," Remus mumbled into the darkness, a tearful half-smile skittering over his face before it faded into a twist of sadness.

"That's how it was supposed to be: all four of us. But then we lost one, and then another, and now another…Moony's the only one left."

He raised the flask of firewhisky beside him in a proud salute, the only gesture of his that hadn't trembled with despair since his friend had fallen.

"Here's to you, mates. Here's to you."

~ * ~

Her proud beauty was gone now, replaced by something desperate, surrounded by wild hair.

"Master, remember, I was your most devoted follower! Never a coward like Wormtail or Lucius, and never a deserter wretch like Snape! The name you valued most among your esteemed list of Death Eaters was Lestrange!"

"Are you begging, Bella?" Oh, his voice was cold…colder than she had ever heard it, unless she was imagining things.

"I never beg, my Master." 

"I know." His words fell like a caress. "You wouldn't. I'm proud of you, Bella. **But that prophecy should have been mine**!"

"I did kill one of them."

"I know."


End file.
